Learning to Breathe

I can't sleep tonight--which really isn't anything new. Every time I try to close my eyes I see Gessner's face and start to cry. For some reason I keep remembering scenes from the days before Gess died. Particularly I keep thinking about times when he was freaking out and I was able to calm him down. One night he was having a horrible time breathing and was literally gasping for air, despite being on 02. I remember crouching down on the floor and forcing him to look at me and he breathing would ease a little. Then later when he was on the vent, he would occasionally wake up and he had the look of terror in his eyes, but as soon as he saw me, his face and body would relax. Sometimes he would even try to smile at me and sign "I love you."

I felt helpless so much during our marriage because I couldn't make him better. I couldn't fix his CF and I couldn't take away the pain. But these memories make me feel like I was able to help a little and that he knew that I was there with him through the end. It's small, but I have to hang on to those little things.